Alphabetical Cliché Crusade


A
As a crusader for cliché-free creative writing, I challenge those violators to abandoned overused expressions, use their imagination, and invent new similes and metaphors. But alas they argue, A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. And they insist their character’s actions speak louder than words. Oh, no, I insist. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. You’re just a lazy writer.
B
I’m no Babe in the woods when it comes to recognizing trite, overused expressions. Back to the drawing board, I insist. Batten down the hatches, lower the boom, raise the mizenmast and full speed ahead. What? they protest, we’d be as busy as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest.
C
Call off the dogs, they say. They claim you can’t judge a book by its clichés . But alas, perhaps I can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Even though I’ve caught them with their pants down. Isn’t it clear as a bell, I ask? And they answer, Clear as mud. Cut it out, I say. Would you cut off your nose in spite of your face. Can’t you cut the cheese? Or cut the mustard? Why not cut to the chaise and cut your losses?
D
I sensed I might be winning over the cliché chumps when they confessed, we feel we’re Damned if we do and damned if we don’t. If we change now isn’t it only a dead cat bounce? We’re feeling in deep do do. Come on I implore. Don’t get your knickers in a knot. I’m convinced you do know sh*t from shinola. You can’t be dumber than a box of rocks … or a post … or a stump … or a bag of hammers.
E
My encouragement continues. It’s Easy as pie … as ABC … as 1,2,3. Get started now. The early bird catches the worm. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a (writer) healthy, wealthy and wise. No need to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.
F
Am I losing my case here. My cliché violators are making Faces only a mother could love. Why make a federal case out of it. It’s easy as falling off a log. But then I think, maybe I’m flogging a dead horse. Is my opponent a few bricks shy of a full load?
G
Gadzooks, I say. Maybe I got off on the wrong foot. After all, the game is not on the line. It’s just that I’d give my right arm to get the ball rolling. I just want my friends to get an (original) word in edgewise. God willing and the creek don’t rise, maybe they’ll get their head in the game.
H
Hang in there I tell myself. I’d be happier than a pig in sh*t if my friends would just hunker down.
I
I need this like I need a hole in my head. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. It’s no use crying over spilled milk. But I cling to the thought, it’s never too late to learn. It ain’t over until the fat lady sings.
J
Jiminy Christmas! Just a cotton pickin minute. Did my chumps just fall off the turnip truck. Come on I beg, jump on the band wagon.
K
I’m Keeping my fingers crossed that they’ll keep their nose to the grindstone, kick some butt, and knock it out of the park.
L
Lordy, Lordy, I’m nearly at the mid-point of my alphabetical crusade and I have not convinced my cliché chumps. Time for a Last-ditch effort. Let’s roll. Let’s hustle like a chicken with its head cut off. Don’t tell me the lights are on but there’s nobody home. I’ll feel lower than a snake’s belly.
M
Well, Mercy me. Now my chumps are madder than wet hens. I’ve made their blood boil? My bad. They want me to make like a tree and leave. Come on. It’s not my way of the highway. I’m just trying to steer my cliché champs/chumps so they’re makin bacon. What’s wrong with having money out the wazoo.
N
It’s not hard to do, a No brainer. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. No pain, no gain. Such pursuits are near and dear to my heart, but if it’s not their thing, then it’s no skin off my nose.
O
Are we On the same page my friends? Off the top of my head I’d say the rule to limit clichés is as old as dirt. Now don’t be wasting time out sowing wild oats. Opportunity doesn’t knock twice. Take your imagination off the back burner and get off and running.
P
Wait now. Am I being accused of using clichés myself? Am I a Pot calling the kettle black? People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones you say. Okay, I admit it. I confess to occasionally putting my foot in my mouth. And sometimes I push the envelope of description by using a trite expression. Let’s hope I haven’t painted myself into a corner. Is this all just pissing in the wind?
Q
Let’s Quit horsing around and get back on track quicker than a New York minute.
R
I don’t mean to Rain on anyone’s parade. I’m just trying to raise the bar of original, descriptive language. No resting on your laurels, now. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. It’s a road less traveled, perhaps. Be patient, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Let’s run it up the flag pole to see who salutes.
S
Oh come on cliché chumps. Save the drama for your mama. Yes, I realize this may separate the men/women from the boys/girls. Don’t be a stick in the mud. Sh*t or get off the pot. I don’t think I’m skating on thin ice when I say real creative writers are scarcer than hen’s teeth. Most don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in reaching the best seller ranks. Sometimes you’re the hydrant, sometimes you are the dog. Shoot from the hip and go for it.
T
Sometimes I feel like I’m Talking until I’m blue in the face. I don’t mean to throw them under the bus, but why can’t I convince cliché-users to take the plunge, and take the bull by the horns. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself. Please don’t throw in the towel. Today is the first day of the rest of you life. Quit trying? That dog won’t hunt.
U
Sure it’s an Uphill battle, but let’s up the ante. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
V
Don’t be fearful like a Virgin on prom night. Be different. Variety is the spice of life.
W
Last call now cliché chumps, Wake up and smell the coffee. Don’t wave the white flag. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Just know that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Welcome to my world. Who knows, it might happen quickly like wham bam, thank you mam.
X ?
Oh my gosh. Here we are at “X” and I can’t find one cliché starting with “X”. Then George Strait comes to the rescue. Where are all the “X’s” George? All my X’s live in Texas. And that’s why I hang my hat in Tennessee.
Y
Thanks George, but back to my cliché chumps, I think I’m going to give up. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. You can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. You snooze you lose. And finally, you can’t swing a dead cat. (For those of you as unfamiliar with the cat cliché as I was, you might find it interesting to search your etymology dictionary for the origin of that one.)
Z
So, there’s my cliché collection. What a Zoo. Maybe I should have zigged when I should have zagged.

5 thoughts on “Alphabetical Cliché Crusade

  1. I like them and use them. Many times I can’t think of anything better as an accurate description. Thanks!

  2. No one asked about the dead cat swing. It means something is difficult and comes from feudal times. Archers used to put a live cat in a bag and hang it from a tree for target practice. The live cat would make the bag move becoming a moving target. But once killed … well, you can’t swing a dead cat.

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